Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
