did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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