God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize