Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
