it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
