the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We talked him into tasing himself.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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