I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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