My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
