I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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