Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
