I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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