just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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