she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
