my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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