batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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