I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Randomize
