i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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