i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
