i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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