I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
