Your face is a jimmy john
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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