4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Say something about gay babies.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
