He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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