When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
