We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
