he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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