So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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