what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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