i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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