as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
