He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
