I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
