all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
