don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
