he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize