You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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