How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
