Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize