i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
