We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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