and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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