It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
