I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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