I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
