Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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