Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
