Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
