Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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