dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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