any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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