I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We need to rekindle our bromance
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
