I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
