There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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