I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
