I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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